There are things I want to talk about on my blog, things I want to share ... I read other people blog and how open and honest they are with their lives and feelings ... and I want my blog to be like that ... I am like that with my family & some close friends but I guess I put an 'everything is ok face' on to the world and that has spread to my blogging too ... I want this blog to be a lovely happy place and so blogging about how hard life can sometimes be (and we all know it can be) seems to not come naturally to me. I feel like I am waiting for a more interesting life to start before I can truly blog about it ... a life that involves a man ... a wedding (optional!) ... a home ... a pregnancy and a baby or 6. My life is waiting for that ... that may sound sad to you, but thats all I have ever wanted ... a home filled with kids and crafts, fun and hugs, pets and growing veg ... a house in a wood where my children can grow and live and love and cry and become who they will be. But that hasn't happened ...... yet .... I am still holding out for some/all/part of that dream to happen in what ever form it chooses to take.
I have got on with life and traveled a bit, had my own business, which I loved for 10 years, made lots of lovely friends and cherished my wonderful family .... but the big gaping hole in my life has never diminished or changed. It's just there all the time ... you try and ignore it or fill it, but its not going anywhere. We all have sadness's, pain and hardships in life ... its part of the paths we are on ... some are huge and long, some are physical and some emotional ... some we can bear and some we can't. I actually don't think I know many people who haven't had something to bear in their lives. This just happens to be my one ... to someone else it may not seem much, but to me its in the core of who I am and who I always have been.
I am blessed in many ways, I have a wonderful family, in a country that is not being torn apart by war or natural disasters ... and I really do count my blessings. I am also a great believer in being positive ... maybe thats why I don't blog about my life and true feeling ... because apart from nothing much interesting happening, I don't want to sound like I am moaning ... but I feel like now is the time to be honest ... this is me ... these are my dreams ... these are my hopes ... this is my pain ... this is my blog and I am praying that one day I will be sharing with you the joy of motherhood and the ups and downs of having MY OWN family.
P.S. not sure why I wrote this post 'now' ... at 12.30 am when I should be packing to go and stay with one of my brothers tomorrow morning, or 'why' even ... I have cried most of my way through writing it and am still umming and ahhing over whether to press publish or not .................